Tuesday, February 22, 2011

We few; we happy few

We band of brothers. We must be vigilant and stand together in these trying times. Although there are many things in our society that would strip us of our courage and sense of righteous purpose, I may have found the source of my souls potential destruction. This has naught to do with the political or religious sphere as you might assume; even my constant battle with the scales is put on the backburner. I fear I may, ultimately, be brought down by: Homeless People w/ Puppies. These assholes are brilliant! Homeless people with kids are annoying, but at least you can convince yourself that the child is involved in the life of crime portrayed by the 1991 documentary Curley Sue; which makes you exempt from guilt for keeping your window rolled up at the stoplight while they cry for change. But puppies, even homeless puppies, are nothing but cute and pathetic and they tug mercilessly at my wallet. I pull up to the intersection, glance to my left and in the median is a dejected looking dirty person who didn't even bother to write a misspelled sign. They are casually holding a puppy and smiling because they know that the only thing I now hear is Sarah Mclachlichlan's "Arm's of an Angel" pulsing in my ears remixed with the sounds of a hungry puppy. We must keep these animals out of the hands of the homeless. So please, PLEASE, spay or neuter your pets. (Bob Barker just hacked my blog but I've decided to leave this up because he makes an excellent point.)

Friday, February 11, 2011


I'll bet Barack has really good bedside manner. Personally, I find it comforting that we have a president that cares enough for us that he will come to our house to heal us when we are ill. AND that he won't charge us too much. I'm not really sure how he'll find the time to be a good doctor when he has to spend all that time maintaining his sniper rifle and finding fresh sagebrush for his helmet. This is how I assume he'll be operating as leader of the Death Squads. I don't know how we missed this during the elections, though, since it is so similar to Hitlercare. But I get all of my information from my neighbor, Jim, and I guess he forgot to mention it. I know he had his reasons for it, I trust Jim. He watches Glen Beck, like, EVERY night.