Saturday, July 2, 2011

I'm Glad I Don't Speak Latin

Everyone wants to think they are different, but I feel that I have found the reason why I am. I don't think I know how to explain myself adequately when any person inquires after facts about me based upon opinion. I have always felt that I'm allowed to know what I do and don't like. This feeling extends to others and their likes/dislikes. As the latin maxim teaches us: De gustibus non est disputandum, which is to say: Don't taste the people you argue with. I think this is the reason why I was perceived as a shitty missionary. For two entire years, I would knock on doors and ask people if they wanted to talk about Jesus. When they would politely tell me, "No thanks, we're happy with our faith and how we live it", I would thank them for their time and walk away with a genuine feeling of happiness for their contentment. So when someone asks me about personal information, I always assume they are curious about who I am so they might get to know me better. What I say is, " I am a Mormon and a Democrat who dislikes eating Fig Newtons, mayonnaise and listening to country music." Based upon their reaction, what THEY hear me say is, "YOUR MOTHER IS A WHORE!" And a terrific assault upon my feelings and beliefs ensues. I wish people would stop talking to me.

Friday, June 24, 2011


I have been plagued by severe dry skin my entire life, and there is no relief to be found. In our society, and this is a scientific fact, there is no appropriate way for a man to apply lotion to any part of his anatomy in either a public or private setting. The only way I need to prove this is to have you, dear reader, imagine one of your male colleagues sitting in his cubicle applying any ammount of lotion to his person. You either just laughed out loud or threw up a little. Point. Now, in private, I can't even OWN lotion. Don't even think about it sitting out in the open, that's just shameful. If I had lotion sitting next to an unfilled perscription for hydrocortisone in a safe set into my foundation and my home was buried under a rain of hot pumice only to be uncovered four thousand years later, the archeologists would say, "Well, it appears they were a civilization of perverts." Society, you're an ass.

Thursday, June 23, 2011


Heterosexual men can't make new friends. One year ago I moved to a different state knowing not a soul, and this became quite obvious to me. There were some really cool guys at work and church, my only social outlets (loser), but I never spent any of my free time with them. This is because straight men don't know how to ask other men out on dates. Asking women out is easy because if I'm rejected, that's just proof that she's a lesbian to the male psyche. But if I ask a guy from work if he wants to see the new explosions shooting boobies movie, and HE rejects me, then that means he's still straight for saying no and I'M gay for asking. This is what happens in our heads, as dudes. Men are usually willing to spend their whole adult lives without a single close friend to avoid the awkward situation of being turned down for a man-date. So the best thing to do is wait outside a guys house on a friday night and follow him when he goes out to the bar and then walk in ten minutes later and act like you just ran into him. Then it's not weird. You're welcome, world.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Political Definition

I've always felt secure in the fact that I know what I believe politically and that those beliefs are what is defined as liberal. But then I was grocery shopping yesterday and realized that instead of jellied fruit, I prefer a jam made of stewed whole fruit in sugar. I have also recently gone to great lengths to make sure we use less water in our home and create less trash. Am I really a Conservative? Then I did my taxes and noticed that my charitable contributions were actually quite generous considering my paltry income. Within minutes of this discovery, my children asked me for some toast with Nutella. Although this ambrosiac spread is costly, I love my kids and therefore put a large portion on each slice. Ok then, I'm Liberal. But.... I have green eyes and my heritage is mostly Irish, should I ally myself to the Green Party? I am also, in theory, a grown man who feels that he can make his own decisions and wear big boy pants. So I guess that I'm a Libertarian. If any person reading this has a degree in political science, please help me with my definitions as I fear that I MIGHT be a little off in my understanding. My time for musing is short as I've just told my 2 year old that I will attend her Tea Party.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

We few; we happy few

We band of brothers. We must be vigilant and stand together in these trying times. Although there are many things in our society that would strip us of our courage and sense of righteous purpose, I may have found the source of my souls potential destruction. This has naught to do with the political or religious sphere as you might assume; even my constant battle with the scales is put on the backburner. I fear I may, ultimately, be brought down by: Homeless People w/ Puppies. These assholes are brilliant! Homeless people with kids are annoying, but at least you can convince yourself that the child is involved in the life of crime portrayed by the 1991 documentary Curley Sue; which makes you exempt from guilt for keeping your window rolled up at the stoplight while they cry for change. But puppies, even homeless puppies, are nothing but cute and pathetic and they tug mercilessly at my wallet. I pull up to the intersection, glance to my left and in the median is a dejected looking dirty person who didn't even bother to write a misspelled sign. They are casually holding a puppy and smiling because they know that the only thing I now hear is Sarah Mclachlichlan's "Arm's of an Angel" pulsing in my ears remixed with the sounds of a hungry puppy. We must keep these animals out of the hands of the homeless. So please, PLEASE, spay or neuter your pets. (Bob Barker just hacked my blog but I've decided to leave this up because he makes an excellent point.)

Friday, February 11, 2011


I'll bet Barack has really good bedside manner. Personally, I find it comforting that we have a president that cares enough for us that he will come to our house to heal us when we are ill. AND that he won't charge us too much. I'm not really sure how he'll find the time to be a good doctor when he has to spend all that time maintaining his sniper rifle and finding fresh sagebrush for his helmet. This is how I assume he'll be operating as leader of the Death Squads. I don't know how we missed this during the elections, though, since it is so similar to Hitlercare. But I get all of my information from my neighbor, Jim, and I guess he forgot to mention it. I know he had his reasons for it, I trust Jim. He watches Glen Beck, like, EVERY night.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I Talk Good

Get it? I am of an elite group of people that talk gooder than you. Truth. To be completely honest, I've studied the rules of the written form of english only so that I may crush these rules in the art of the literary orgy. I am not one of these dicks that will correct your grammar so that I may feel superior; it doesn't bother me at all when people use the phrases and words outlined below. I merely point them out because some people (my employees) might like to know why I smile when they are used. I enjoy thinking up definitions for things like:

exspecially: used to be special or recently made common
for all intensive purposes: only do these things when you are contemplating shark wrestling or base jumping.
laundry mat: something you sit on to fold towels.
added bonus: an infinite number of additional subjects.
right of passage: permission to travel through a specified geographical area.
organic foods produced w/out chemicals: the miraculous growth of plant life completely without the use of water (a chemical known as dihydrogen oxide).
a tad bit: when matter is introduced to anti-matter and made redundant.
The Ukraine: accept no substitutes. I despise all lesser ukraines.
by far and away: the location you seek is close to my favorite binocular store, Far and Away.
unchartered: when you leave your house in a hurry and forget to call a cab.

As I have shared a tad bit of my existing list, more will come at a later date. I am accepting of any additions you may have.