Friday, June 24, 2011


I have been plagued by severe dry skin my entire life, and there is no relief to be found. In our society, and this is a scientific fact, there is no appropriate way for a man to apply lotion to any part of his anatomy in either a public or private setting. The only way I need to prove this is to have you, dear reader, imagine one of your male colleagues sitting in his cubicle applying any ammount of lotion to his person. You either just laughed out loud or threw up a little. Point. Now, in private, I can't even OWN lotion. Don't even think about it sitting out in the open, that's just shameful. If I had lotion sitting next to an unfilled perscription for hydrocortisone in a safe set into my foundation and my home was buried under a rain of hot pumice only to be uncovered four thousand years later, the archeologists would say, "Well, it appears they were a civilization of perverts." Society, you're an ass.

Thursday, June 23, 2011


Heterosexual men can't make new friends. One year ago I moved to a different state knowing not a soul, and this became quite obvious to me. There were some really cool guys at work and church, my only social outlets (loser), but I never spent any of my free time with them. This is because straight men don't know how to ask other men out on dates. Asking women out is easy because if I'm rejected, that's just proof that she's a lesbian to the male psyche. But if I ask a guy from work if he wants to see the new explosions shooting boobies movie, and HE rejects me, then that means he's still straight for saying no and I'M gay for asking. This is what happens in our heads, as dudes. Men are usually willing to spend their whole adult lives without a single close friend to avoid the awkward situation of being turned down for a man-date. So the best thing to do is wait outside a guys house on a friday night and follow him when he goes out to the bar and then walk in ten minutes later and act like you just ran into him. Then it's not weird. You're welcome, world.