Thursday, January 6, 2011

I was told there would be no math.

Ok, go with me on this. If I were Supreme Leader of the Hegemony of Random Collection of Persons ( SLOT-HORCOP ) then everything would be so rad. We'd have Diet MTN Dew coolers in all offices, National XBOX Championships where the winner gets to kick whomever he wants - in the shins - for three months, doughnut trees, higher taxes and socialized healthcare. Whenever I think about things like this, I am made to feel happy because it is MY dreamworld. But obviously, some people would hate to live there ( namely the anti-carbonation non-coordinated dieting republicans ). So, this being said, let me iterate the fact that I am a religious-minded man following the theology that God is allowed to be a real and true individual thus giving Him an actual personality. I've realized how nervous this should make us because what if He created heaven according to what He thinks is awesome? Scenario: I die tomorrow after my brain explodes because the car in front of me refuses to use his damn turn signal. I get to heaven ( of course ) and God is there.
"Potter!" says he and goes for the fist bump (don't worry, His collar isn't popped because He is NOT a douchebag). God then holds out a plate for me. "Before I show you around, do you want some Fig Newtons?"
"Gross. No."
"What? HA! Potter, you're hilarious. Come this way and I'll show you where we all hang out." And we come upon a large door guarded by cherubim and seraphim which opens into an arena full of school desks circa 1985. Nearly every desk has someone sitting hunched over scratch-paper and textbooks. Arms spread wide, God proclaims, "MATH CLASS!!! This was my favorite subject, and now we can all solve complex algorithms FOREVER! We don't need to take breaks because we don't need food or water in heaven, so it's like the ultimate problem-solving puzzle! Heaven, right?"
These are the things that I think about whenever I need to justify my sinful behavior. Maybe I won't want to go to heaven anyway, right? But it is then that I remind myself that I already know what HELL will be like, and it's the same for everyone. You spend eternity sitting in a club which only serves cream soda, watching girls with collagen lip injections sing karaoke versions of Toby Keith songs. I don't want any part of that.


  1. Hey, I wanna be the SLOT-HORCOP! No fair!

    ..and everybody in front of you better use their damn turn signals tomorrow, or I'll be pissed.